romance

Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott – Book Review

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England in Peril

By the year 1199, England had gone to the dogs. The knightly king, Richard the Lionheart, had left for a crusade in the Holy Land. In his absence, his corrupt and unprincipled brother John ruled in his place. Society is torn not only by unjust laws but also by the tyranny of the Normans, who had previously subjugated the Saxons. Robber knights terrorized the land, while outlaws prowled the forests… In such dire times, only a brave and noble-hearted knight could set things right—someone like Ivanhoe.

Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott – Book Cover

A Dash of Romance…

Sir Walter Scott, the pioneer of the historical romance genre, perhaps achieved his greatest success with Ivanhoe. The chivalric romance, deeply rooted in English literature since the Arthurian legends, provided a solid foundation for the emergence of a noble-hearted hero. And the ever-popular Robin Hood legends, passed down through the centuries, only added to the book’s success.

The readers’ emotional investment is secured by identifying with the oppressed Saxons suffering under arrogant tyranny—after all, who wouldn’t sympathize with the undeserving victims of injustice?

Of course, no historical romance is complete without a heroine—one who must be adored from afar, and, inevitably, rescued. Scott doesn’t settle for just one; Ivanhoe gives us two such heroines. Naturally, both are stunningly beautiful, but more importantly, they are also strikingly independent for the era in which they live. Cheers to strong female characters!

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The Thousand Eyes by A.K. Larkwood – Book Review

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The Thousand Eyes by A.K. Larkwood – Book Cover

A.K. Larkwood’s The Thousand Eyes has one big flaw: it marks the end of the story. With this second book, Larkwood wraps up the Serpent Gates series. Other authors might fall to their knees, thanking the heavens for such a unique and brilliant concept, stretching the series across at least five books, knowing this could be the magnum opus of their career. After all, who can guarantee they’ll come up with anything even close to this good again?

The Thousand Eyes Hisses Ominously

Orc girls in love, crazed death-worshipping cults, divine incarnations roaming the earth, and countless worlds you can literally sail between through the Serpent Gates. The setup is monumental. But where Larkwood really shines is in her depiction of gods. In The Unspoken Name, her debut novel, she introduced three deities, any one of which would elevate any fantasy novel.

A goddess of serpents, shattered into a thousand pieces scattered throughout the universe; a terrifying dragon, banished to the cold of space, burning with eternal murderous rage; or an all-knowing entity that kurking in the mysterious depths of a mountain, forever hungry for human sacrifice. These gods create a fantastic foundation for Larkwood’s series.

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Warleggan (Poldark #4) by Winston Graham – Book Review

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Warleggan (Poldark #4) by Winston Graham - Book Cover

If you think Cornwall was one of the UK’s most vibrant, culturally advanced, and innovative regions at the end of the 18th century, well, you’re wrong. Very wrong. It took exceptional courage for an author to set his epic family saga in this era. Winston Graham had that courage. And persistence. Warleggan is now the fourth part of the Poldark family saga.

Back to the Copper Mines

What can one do in Cornwall at the end of the 18th century? Besides fishing and smuggling, of course. Well, mining. The area is full of copper. The fact that copper prices have been in the gutter for about a decade doesn’t seem to bother anyone.

It’s almost comical, this stubbornness that defies all logic, with which Poldark teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and collapse, only to be granted yet another short-lived reprieve thanks to unexpected twists, allowing him to keep struggling against fate.

But there’s no need to worry. You know full well that he only needs to hold out a little longer, and once war breaks out between England and revolutionary France, prosperity will return.

And the Poldarks will become filthy rich.

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The Last Move by Mary Burton – Book Review

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The Last Move by Mary Burton – Book Cover

Mary Burton is the author of dozens of romance novels. This fact alone might scare off many crime readers from picking up The Last Move. However, if you enjoy living dangerously, go ahead and give it a try.

The Last Move: A Decent Serial Killer Thriller

If you’ve already read a thousand crime novels where some vicious madmen is murdering innocent American citizens, it might be hard to surprise you. Mary Burton doesn’t really manage to do so either. But that’s not necessarily a problem, as it doesn’t seem to be her goal.

There’s a minor hiccup, though: theoretically, the Samaritan is already behind bars, but we’ve seen enough copycats, mentees trained by serial killers, or wrongly convicted criminals. It’s up to Dr. Hayden and Mazur to figure out which category the Samaritan falls into.

Minimal Romance Factor

Naturally, the protagonists have to work together. And here Burton surprises us: neither of them is unbearable, they don’t hate each other, and they don’t immediately want to rip each other’s clothes off. Instead, they work together excellently. Both are smart and dedicated, so it’s no wonder they develop a mutual attraction, right?

No.

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Lancelot by Giles Kristian – Book Review

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Lancelot by Giles Kristian – Book Cover

Giles Kristian deftly plucks Lancelot from the famous Arthurian legends and makes him the star of his own story. And why not? Lancelot is the bravest knight of the cycle, so he fits well at the heart of numerous battles, and, not to mention, he even wins the heart of King Arthur’s queen, guaranteeing both romantic drama and other conflicts.

Pure Emotions and a Dirty Dark Ages

Kristian devotes a surprisingly large portion of the book to Lancelot’s childhood, and you’d think it would make for a yawn-fest since, really, what excitement could there be in a future hero’s early years? But it completely proves you wrong. The early chapters are no less captivating than his more significant adult years. In fact, it’s the opposite. The thrill is there right from the beginning, as Guinevere appears on the island where Lancelot is raised, sparking feelings, followed by Merlin, the most renowned of druids, who amps up the tension.

Kristian skillfully brings the legend down to earth, stripping away almost all its mysticism and magic. (If there is any enchantment, it’s likely just a clever sleight of hand.) The legendary figures (or at least their names) do make an appearance, but in a much more grounded, human way, surrounded by all the filth and grime of the medieval world.

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Mad by Chloé Esposito – Book Review

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Mad by Chloé Esposito – Book Cover

Chloé Esposito’s book screams “girly nonsense” from a mile away. “Chick lit”— it gently implies that we’re not exactly dealing with the pinnacles of literary achievement here. So, what’s it doing on this SOPHISTICATED blog, you ask? That is mad! Fate must have had it in for me when the second volume of this esteemed trilogy landed in my hands. I skimmed through, and bam!—a line popped out at me: something, well, very sexual. Alas, I can’t remember a single word of it.

So, Mad promises an unusual and unpredictable adventure (since I don’t normally read this kind of nonsense) in my frenzied search for that lucky sentence—a quest that doubles as an opportunity to write a nice, snarky review. Let’s go!

Chloé Esposito: Grandmaster of Character Building!

Then, what happens? Right from the start of Mad, you’re face-to-face with a MASTERCLASS in character building! In the first two chapters, here’s what we learn about our heroine, the lovely Alvina: she’s lazy, messy, irresponsible, shallow, jealous, greedy, selfish, a drunk, and promiscuous. Oh, and she’s a pyromaniac too! On the other side of the scales? Just two lonely items: she likes to read and writes haikus. Truly a joy, this kind of protagonist.

One more surprise awaits you with Esposito’s book: humor. I’m not really the laugh-out-loud type, but I laughed out loud three times while reading the first two chapters. And twice more in the third. It’s all like a stand-up comedy mixed with a big dose of silliness.

A Romance Novel with a Sociopathic Heroine

That’s about where the good news ends. And where the intro of Mad wraps up. After that, I didn’t laugh anymore, and you probably won’t either, even though similar jokes pop up here and there. The main reason is that it becomes glaringly obvious that Alvina, besides her lovely attributes listed above, is also a sociopath, with the emotional intelligence of a nine-year-old. Armed with this mindset and a 28-centimeter vibrator, affectionately called “Mr. Dick,” she arrives in Taormina to see her rich, successful twin sister. Who promptly asks her to switch identities with her. Wow, never saw that twist coming!

From this point on, Mad is just another airy trifle. Longing for luxury items and charming Italian men. Obligatory sex scenes with partners’ growing penis sizes. (Thankfully, at least, there’s some restraint shown here—not in terms of sizes, but in that there are only about four or five of these scenes, and they’re not overwritten.)

Is Killing Fun? Sure Thing

Then another element enters the mix and takes over: the completely implausible thriller aspect (Cosa Nostra & murders), whose impact dissolves in seconds due to Alvina’s kindergarten-level approach to events. At one point in the plot, our noble heroine decides she wants to be a hitman because it sounds like fun.

And what do you think about a romantic novel whose main character is a sociopath? If you think sociopaths aren’t exactly the romantic type, you’d be spot-on! This is how you write a book that’s also an unintentionally bad parody of itself.

So why stick it out to the end?

1, Damned curiosity.

2, The author constantly tries to explain why Mad’s protagonist, Alvina is the way she is, and at the beginning, to your surprise, it sort of works, and you feel a bit of sympathy for her. But not for very long…

So, why did she turn out the way she did? Why?! Mostly because of that lousy baby formula!

Rating: 6/10

Mad (Mad Trilogy #1) by Chloé Esposito
336 pages, Hardcover
Published in 2017 by Dutton
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UPDATE:
Curiosity got the better of me, and I skimmed the second book, Bad, which immediately demolishes any trace of coherence left in the story with a twist that renders the previous book’s ending meaningless. The quality dips further (5/10), so I never did find out what that intriguing sentence was. If anyone has plowed through the sequel and still has usable brain cells, kindly post the book’s SEXIEST line here for me.

Legends of the Fall – Film Review

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Legends of the Fall - Film Poster

Colonel Ludlow, weary of the Indian massacres, settles down in the remote Montana long-long ago, three sons are born, and so on. And when the youngest brings his bride, the STUNNING Suzannah, even the other two boys start to drool over her. As if that wasn’t enough, World War I breaks out just then.

And what’s the point? It’s not good to throw around big words, but there’s nothing to be done when this is the situation. Now listen: the film drama “Legends of the Fall” teaches you that no matter how diligently you obey all laws of God and man, you can still end up with EVERYONE loving someone else who outrightly flouts these laws. Can you do anything about it? Nothing, you just got screwed. Thanks a lot!

At most, you can toughen up your soul, because this film is shamelessly and unabashedly manipulative, every effort aimed at bringing tears to your eyes.

Little “M” for example, kept watering the mice, so eventually I had to keep a list, and in the end, it turned out that Edward Zwick’s esteemed masterpiece brought tears to the little one’s eyes precisely a dozen times during viewing. Quite an achievement!

This goddamn film affects the viewer like this, even if you know exactly that most of the characters’ troubles – alongside the damn scriptwriters – are caused by stubbornness bordering on stupidity or incomprehensible self-will, and they wouldn’t get into such a mess if they showed a little more empathy or at least some PATIENCE towards each other.

So if you feel as tough as nails, but just to be on the safe side, you want to check, watch “Legends of the Fall.” And if your eyes don’t well up once during it, well then you really are!

8/10

Legends of the Fall (1994) (IMDb)
Director: Edward Zwick, Stars: Brad Pitt, Anthony Hopkins, Aidan Quinn, Julia Ormond

Ross Poldark by Winston Graham – Book Review

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Ross Poldark by Winston Graham - Book cover

Ross Poldark, a captain with a gunshot ankle, limps home to picturesque Cornwall from the American Revolutionary War. His father is dead, the house is in ruins, and his fiancée has replaced him with his cousin. As Ross sets out to restore his dilapidated home, his self-esteem, and embark on farming, you get a glimpse into the daily life of late 18th-century South England. It wasn’t the most uplifting place at the time: the war has plunged the country into recession, the mining industry, the cornerstone of Cornwall’s economy, is struggling, the upper classes revel while the lower ones suffer. Ross’s useless employees, inherited from his father, drink like fish, and Ross himself isn’t averse to a tipple. You have no idea how this will turn out.

Then Demelza arrives.

Demelza is a 13-year-old, impoverished half-orphan whom Ross rescues from her brutal father and takes in as a housemaid. He couldn’t have done anything better. From this point on, you can’t wait to read about Demelza; her pages, especially with their poignant nature, overshadow the rest of the novel. Demelza is getting older, becoming more astute, and then sets out to capture Ross’s attention…

Many liken the first volume of the Poldark series to “Pride and Prejudice.” I wouldn’t know, as I haven’t read it; I only started with the 1995 Colin Firth series adaptation, but after about 10 minutes, I tossed the remote due to its superficial and exaggerated nonsense. Winston Graham’s book is emotional but not sentimental. It’s much more of a family saga with social sensitivity than a romantic novel, and it doesn’t feature the silly twists typical of women’s genre fiction.

A romantic novel would end with the main characters getting married. Their story really only begins after Ross impulsively marries the girl: you, on the other hand, watch contentedly as Demelza rises to Ross’s intellectual and then social level, and by the end, they become equal partners in the relationship.

Interestingly, it’s as if Demelza not only has a positive influence on Ross and you but also on the novelist: with the marriage, the quality of the writing improves, the style becomes more cohesive, and elaborate nature descriptions start adorning the text, while the uninteresting subplots (Jim and Jinny & other miners – who occasionally had their own perspectives) either seamlessly integrate into the narrative or disappear altogether. And you notice that you CAN’T PUT DOWN this volume.

8/10 (80%)

Ross Poldark (The Poldark Saga #1) by Winston Graham
379 pages, Paperback
Published in 2015 by Sourcebooks Landmark

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo – Book Review

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Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo - Book cover

Could Six of Crows be both a fantasy and a heist novel? Yup! The toughest guy in the docks gets hired for a mission that spans across countries. The target? A scientist whose invention boosts magic users’ powers exponentially—only to burn them out just as fast. Sounds… not ideal.

Assemble the Crew

The first part of Six of Crows is all about putting the team together. And this is where Bardugo’s novel really shines. The characters are unique and memorable—hey there, Kaz, Nina, and Ghost! And the setting, Ketterdam’s slums, feels like a twisted version of an old Dutch city that might still exist today. (Limburg maybe? Or Utrecht? Can’t say for sure.)

Wait, They’re All Teenagers?

Now, here’s where things get a little weird: all the main characters are teenagers. To pull in the YA crowd? Probably. Or maybe I just hadn’t realized I was reading a YA fantasy until now. (Entirely possible.) But Bardugo’s plan doesn’t really work, because the human brain, that lovely self-correcting machine, just automatically bumps their ages up past 20. Because, let’s be honest, it’s impossible to believe that a bunch of 15–17-year-olds could be this professional, this good, at so many things.

Stir Crazy! (Jailhouse Nonsense)

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