Legends of the Fall – Film Review

Legends of the Fall - Film Poster

Colonel Ludlow, weary of the Indian massacres, settles down in the remote Montana long-long ago, three sons are born, and so on. And when the youngest brings his bride, the STUNNING Suzannah, even the other two boys start to drool over her. As if that wasn’t enough, World War I breaks out just then.

And what’s the point? It’s not good to throw around big words, but there’s nothing to be done when this is the situation. Now listen: the film drama “Legends of the Fall” teaches you that no matter how diligently you obey all laws of God and man, you can still end up with EVERYONE loving someone else who outrightly flouts these laws. Can you do anything about it? Nothing, you just got screwed. Thanks a lot!

At most, you can toughen up your soul, because this film is shamelessly and unabashedly manipulative, every effort aimed at bringing tears to your eyes.

Little “M” for example, kept watering the mice, so eventually I had to keep a list, and in the end, it turned out that Edward Zwick’s esteemed masterpiece brought tears to the little one’s eyes precisely a dozen times during viewing. Quite an achievement!

This goddamn film affects the viewer like this, even if you know exactly that most of the characters’ troubles – alongside the damn scriptwriters – are caused by stubbornness bordering on stupidity or incomprehensible self-will, and they wouldn’t get into such a mess if they showed a little more empathy or at least some PATIENCE towards each other.

So if you feel as tough as nails, but just to be on the safe side, you want to check, watch “Legends of the Fall.” And if your eyes don’t well up once during it, well then you really are!

8/10

Legends of the Fall (1994) (IMDb)
Director: Edward Zwick, Stars: Brad Pitt, Anthony Hopkins, Aidan Quinn, Julia Ormond

Attack on Titan – Series Review

You have no idea what anime is? Neither did I, really. (It’s a cartoon, basically.) But Little EM nagged me for a whole year—well, if you can call open and shameless blackmail nagging—until I had to give in. “Attack on Titan is the best anime! Everyone’s watching Attack on Titan!” claimed Little EM. Maybe so, although the real question is how long they’re watching. If you want what’s best for yourself…

How does the series start anyway? It starts off damn well. Humanity has been living behind enormous walls for a hundred years. Outside the walls, there are naked, androgynous, and horribly stupid giants who hunger for human flesh. It’s like zombies, only bigger than apartment buildings. In the first episode, the giants break through the wall. After watching it, you’ll probably just gawk and say, “I’ve never seen a stronger series opener, not even Lost or The Shield, compare to this.”

Attack on Titan - TV Series - Season 1

Unfortunately, it’s all downhill from there. It feels like the creators locked a bunch of twelve-year-olds in a room, had them compete to come up with the dumbest idea, and the winner’s idea got passed along. There’s no sense to the story; it’s like they’re always trying to make something big happen, and as quickly as possible. The first two seasons could have easily explored how humanity recovers from the initial shock, how they slowly gear up for an unequal fight against the almost unbeatable enemy. Instead, they throw in two twists, right at the beginning (the first being the protagonist’s, uh, transformation, and the other involving the giant girl), which completely undermine the otherwise strong premise. And don’t even get me started on the Abnormals, special giants with unique abilities. Armor, teleportation, who knows what else. All these elements successfully reduce the series to a stupid fairy tale.

And believe it or not, that’s the lesser issue. The bigger problem is that the creators of Attack on Titan are incapable of writing sensible dialogue. All the conversations are garbled, pompous repetitions. Plus, most of the characters, whether necessary or not, SCREAM AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. Especially Eren, the protagonist, who can ONLY COMMUNICATE BY SCREAMING. So, if his little buddies in the Scout Regiment disagree with him, they don’t politely ask,

“Hey, what the frakkin’ hell are you doin’, chimmy-chummy?”

Instead, they SHOUT in his face, “You’re preparing for the downfall of humanity with your actions. Admit that you’re an enemy of humanity!” And so on. This compulsive grandiloquence renders every conversation completely unbelievable and ridiculous.

But the childishness and thoughtlessness extend to every other aspect of the series as well. Whenever the characters find themselves in a crisis (which happens quite a few times), with about 10 seconds to avert the crisis, you can bet 500 yen against the armored giant’s left testicle that they’ll spend AT LEAST 10 minutes lamenting, philosophizing, or struggling with themselves over what to do—while you angrily pound the armrest of your chair in front of the TV and start SHOUTING yourself: “Your time’s up, you miserable idiots!”

At least one recruit participating in military training has a HYSTERICAL BREAKDOWN due to the bleak future ahead, and a third of the episode is spent with the others comforting them. Meanwhile, in sharp contrast, and only incidentally, it turns out that due to overcrowding behind the walls, 250,000(!) civilians were driven out to fight against the giants—to reduce the population inside. The brilliant plan was a success. The giants ate them all. Problem solved. It couldn’t have been easy to convince these 250,000 civilians to join the action; they were probably all forcibly pushed out the gate and weapons were thrown after them at the end, to prevent any recklessness inside. Or if not, they all were probably EASILY INFLUENCED retirees.

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