Robin Hood (2010) – Film Review
Ridley Scott’s 2010 creation is, without a doubt, the most baffling Robin Hood movie ever made (yes, including Men in Tights), which, after a reasonably well-executed opening battle scene, quickly devolves into a weird, multi-threaded mess:
Warning: major spoilers ahead! But honestly—don’t worry about it.
—Robin Hood Steals, Cheats – and Plants Wheat
Robin Hood, the SIMPLE ARCHER, under the alias of Sir Loxley, ends up delivering King Richard the Lionheart’s crown to the Queen Mother (but only by accident, because he and his bros GOT HAMMERED while sailing and forget to make a run for it).
Then Robin, the SIMPLE ARCHER, using the Sir Loxley alias, infiltrates the Loxley family, and at this point the story turns into The Taming of the Shrew, with the understandably reluctant Lady Marion (who, by the way, spends her free time ploughing, sowing, and reaping alongside peasants, and feels an irresistible urge to personally drag the common folk’s goats out of the muck.).
Robin, the SIMPLE ARCHER, secretly sows the grain he EXTORTED from Friar Tuck — in the DEAD OF NIGHT.
The Martial Arts Masters of Sherwood Forest
The starving peasant children (ages roughly 7 to 14) had already moved into Sherwood Forest and mastered the mysterious art of ninjutsu all by themselves. They use this mystical skill set to raid their own village by night, and to have an elite squad of five- to seven-year-olds capture Robin while he’s out HUNTING in the woods. The brawny, HEAVY-AS-HELL hunter Robin is, for reasons unknown, transported back to their camp Ewok-style. Luckily, Lady Marion – the kids’ absolute BFF – JUST SO HAPPENS to be hanging out with them at the time and saves his ass.
Good Times in Starving Nottingham
Robin’s soldier buddies serve as the film’s constant source of comic relief, drinking and goofing around nonstop—in the middle of FAMINE-STRICKEN Nottingham. These jolly, IRRESISTIBLY FUNNY moments are also where the film’s most hilarious (and mostly sexual) jokes are crammed in. See: “Little” John.
These things alone are already wonderfully interesting, but Robin and company are constantly being distracted by those darn frog-eaters, two hundred of whom — disguised as English tax collectors — are riding up and down Northern England, trying to stir up rebellion against the king. Their devious plan succeeds because no one NOTICES that they can’t speak a word of English and are VASTLY OUTNUMBERED by the armies of the northern lords.
Robin Hood for Secretary of Defense!
At this point in the story, Robin, the SIMPLE ARCHER, who usually approaches everything around him with the calm intellectual detachment of a wise scholar, suddenly remembers that his father was a stonemason AAAND philosopher who came up with the Magna Carta while plastering walls. Well, that’s something, thinks Robin Hood, the SIMPLE ARCHER, and with a smooth gesture, he takes full command of the operations against the French from King John — who, in comparison, makes President Trump look like a paragon of moral fortitude and consistency. And with that, we’ve said it all.
And at this point, while you’re sitting there wondering how the hell you’d even begin to define this movie, and realize it’s basically a ‘high-budget B-movie,’ the following things STILL haven’t happened:
The Starving Orphans Launch a Devastating Charge
The fox-hearted French king hasn’t even shown up yet leading a massive Armada, complete with American landing craft like the ones used on D-Day. That is, with their French version — made of wood and roughly 800 years ahead of their time. Hell yeah!!!
The starving Sherwood orphans haven’t yet launched a cavalry charge, led by Lady Marion (I told you, she’s their bestie!) — because these poor, starving village orphans were so forward-thinking that they’ve stocked enough steeds for an entire division in the Sherwood Forest. And clearly, they’ve trained themselves in cavalry tactics too. Instead of, say, gradually eating their way through those few hundred sturdy battle mounts to no longer be STARVING orphans! But of course, maybe the kids just really love horseback riding!
Rating: 4/10
Robin Hood (2010) – IMDb
Directed by: Ridley Scott | Starring: Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett
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